Dreams

I had a really good dream last night. It made me so happy. Shame it was just a dream and will never ever be real :( I'm in love with a fantasy

I need more friends

When I think about it, all my friends, incl. my bf, are so different from me. We don't really share any interests. We don't like the same music, they don't like to dance. Basically they are no use for me. I'm stuck alone all the time.

Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from all of them, then I think I can't go anywhere, coz I'd miss Zumba ;)

I'm enjoying almost looking like a normal person again. It's been nearly seven years.

I've come to see it for myself that it is actually possible to gain weight when you don't eat enough, which seems quite unbelievable. But that's true. As soon as I dared to eat a bit more I lost 0,5kg in one day.

The weird thing is, I've not missed ice cream at all. I might have mentioned the ice cream reward before, and even now after over a week I still haven't bought the CG. I don't understand where this motivation has come from. But I'm liking it.

Just to let you know

I'm a chicken.

..

I've locked myself into the kitchen where I'm listening to Daddy Yankee with Riesling and feeling blue.

I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want to live a little. Instead I'm stuck in the kitchen on my computer dreaming of a better life..

If I was to go to the living room I'd have to quit listening to the music and watch boring shows and be all servy to my bf with a hang-over.

Today after Zumba I felt I didn't want to go back home. Knowing too well what expects me here... I want more. I don't want to be the person who everyone comes to when they're hungry or too lazy to do something themselves.

I am not feeling at all xmassy. I don't feel excited about it at all. And it's not because I've gotten old, because I'm not old, I don't feel day over 21. But just for some reason I don't seem to have the usual xmas enthusiasm..

blog-day

I've been blogging like mad for all my other blogs but now that I came here and started to think what I'm going to write about my head went blank.

10 days to xmas. I've done pretty much all my shopping, last ones today at lunch. I don't feel at all xmassy. Been feeling a bit low anyways in the past few months or so. Especially now when it's -16 to -24 C outside all the time. It's not the darkness because it's not been dark, there's so much snow everywhere. General displeasure. I have my dance hobbies to make me happy but that's only for an hour / day maybe the good feeling lasts a bit longer but ..

One thing I am extremely happy about me. Physical feature. I've always had a waist. Even on my fattest of days I've always had a waist. That means of course now that I am the smallest I've been in nearly 7 years my belly doesn't look saggy or otherwise ugly. a few more kgs and it's looking quite good actually. If only I could get thin arms too. I've never had thin arms...

I figured the best excuse for a run. All you need is a dog. It doesn't have to be your own dog. My boss' dog loves it when we run a bit. He's old so luckily he doesn't run too much, I can keep up.

I've lost all motivation to work. Even the thought of having a regular job freaks me out a bit, since it's not going to be what I really want. So what do I really want? Still no clue..

I wish I had a talent. Sucks to be average but not have the mind to live average life.

haha. nutcase obviously.

what can i say?

I am feeling.. i can't define it. It's bothering me none the less.

That's why I have to let it out, even though I can't really let it out since I don't know how to describe it.

Also feeling a bit silly.

I suppose that must be enough for now.

yawn

Friday.
Less than an hour at "work". Paid all my bills. Checked all the company invoices. Now I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. I know at some point someone will give me something to do, but meanwhile I'm going to look busy and pretend to be working. Lunch in 2 hours. I guess I can think of something to do for 2 hours.

Ordered something. Hopefully I'll get the reply to it soon, or else I'm going to think I did something wrong. And that's not good.
Bought a soda. It's ridiculously cheap here. I wanted water but it was too white and nasty looking so I thought what the heck, 50-55 cents for a bottle is not too much. I'll get one of those. While getting it I got the order thing and possibly another thing to do today.

My phone keeps surprising me all the time. Today I found I have Pride and Prejudice the novel on my book along with Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. How great is that?!?! As a standard feature. Not something I got from Android Market.

about 30 minutes to the middle of the day. Can't believe time goes by so slowly.

Slow....

This is going to be one of the longest days of my life. This "job" of mine should only be part-time. Maybe twice a week. Because there simply isn't enough to do. This is something I haven't told anyone at the firm just yet. I'm holding it until I figure out what to do with that info. It surprises me that no one ever suspects that I am something other than busy all the time. I mean what do they think I do? They should know my tasks, how little there is and still nothing. I suppose it's better this way, sort of.. Anyway this is not a work place for me and I'm going to leave before it's too late.
Anyway I've been filling out open application to places and am thinking of continuing that soon. Trying to find a quick way out.

Tomorrow is the Halloween Zumbathon, 3-hour Zumba marathon and I'm quite excited about that. It's going to be so much fun. My sister is coming with me. Neither of us is dressing up since we don't really have anything suitable.

Yesterday I won 2 tickets to the book & wine fair in Helsinki and a one year subscription of Viini-magazine. Which is awesome since I think I just got the last wine mag of my previous subscription and now I get a whole year more of them. Hooray!
And the fair. I really really wanna go. It seems no one is interested in going with me. I guess I'll have to go alone. That's fine, I'm used to doing all things fun alone anyway since everyone I know are not into fun things apparently. I was thinking I'd pay a visit to my favorite Torres-bar while I'm in town. Have a glass of Esmeralda and then come home, after the fair of course.

grrr

feeling very .. hmm. best not say.

frustration is one of the things i am feeling. i can't share here. can't really tell anyone.

luckily tomorrow is monday and i can start dancing again for 5 days. weekends are not really gym days.

i sort of wish i had a job in the city center so i wouldn't be this poor but then at the same time it would really get in the way of my dancing. ok, not really but some anyway. so i am just glad i can do what i do now.

guess that's all i am gonna say this time, now getting back to ranger, morelli and stephanie

sommaren

I have fully enjoyed this heat period, the real summer, we have recently had. Although I wish we'd have palm trees to make it feel more summer-y. Might be coming to an end soon and that's not cool.

I've also enjoyed my freedom from work this summer. There's nothing better than being able to do whatever you want(at least in theory) and spend time in the sun. I suppose soon I'll have to start really looking for a new job but I'm not quite there yet..

Last night I had my good dream again. It's been a long time since the last time. And it's never the same, the story I mean, but the basic feeling is. Always wake up happy and dreamy. I wish I could see that dream more often. It's not that kind of a dream. I know what you're thinking :)

Shame it's so dark and cloudy today. It's weird really. It's really hot, but no sun to be seen.

I'd like a lot of money, I mean a lot, so I could do bunch of things I want to do and see places I've always dreamt of. But I have a feeling it's all going to be just a dream.. hmm

I wish I had something to write about instead of all this nonsense. But... well.. never mind..

It's been a while

I'm generally quite unhappy with my life. It's always the same. I'm not a huge fan of routines. So when everyday is pretty much the same this is what I get. I wish I had money to make some, even small, changes. Travel, redecorate.. something. I hate almost all our furniture. I hate the fact that this place is not cozy at all. Just a mixed collection of hand-me-down furniture and miss-matched rugs.

Sometimes I think my sour mood is caused by the lack of sugar in my diet. That I haven't had much candy for weeks. But that's just stupid. It's not like I'd have been sugar-free completely.

Then I wondered, that even though I'm really looking forward to being unemployed in June, perhaps I'm still stressing over it unconsciously. The worst thing that could happen is me having to do similar job still. That thought makes me almost panic. But then I also wonder am I ever going to get a proper job? I mean I'm terrible at writing job applications. Then all the jobs I'm after are also applied by at least 90 other people. 154 was the number on the last job. How am I supposed to be better than all of them? It's not possible. I don't have enough experience or special skills for that. I would need to think of a new profession. Something completely different, something less popular. Or I would have to come up with a brilliant business plan and start my own business. Unfortunately I don't have any ideas. Or skills.

Why do I think all my posts are this depressing? It might be that I only write when I'm feeling most down or because nothing fun or interesting never happens.

This month has been a terrible money spending month. First there were 2 massages, then the cats vet and special food and my dentist. Have another appointment with the dental hygienist next month. Should be lots cheaper. I have very good teeth. Something to be happy about.

I'll add something fun to the end. I have three parties to look forward to. Or "parties". All with my work buddies. One theater night with dinner and more. One farewell party for the whole place before they move and they're even thinking of another sauna evening at Tarja's too at some point. So something fun coming up.

Also one of my hyacinths from christmas is still alive and well. Flowerless but strong looking. Although it's turning a bit purple, kind of waxy, so I'm not sure it's doing all that great. But still it looks fine.

skiing

I've been skiing twice in one week. First on Saturday I went cross-country skiing. Dug out my 15-year old equipment from the basement and went for it. Almost gave up after 20 minutes but then I said to myself I'd be so proud if I'd carry on and do the Suolijärvi -route. That's 4,3km. So there I went. Only I didn't know at that time it would be only uphills and downhills.. Very frustrating. But I did it! yay! This was my first time in 4-5 years.

Then yesterday we went downhill skiing. I had come up with the idea about a week before and introduced it to my friends and they were all in. It was just as fun as I remembered. And it's been 10 years. I was impressed how easy it was to get back to it even after such a long time. Suppose it helped I had skied normally just before. Only fell once. Surprising as such but even more so when it was only because I jumped off this tiny tiny ..hmm.. well jumping place. Fell on my back and didn't hurt myself. Until at home I noticed how my right elbow was sore but still couldn't see a bruise.

It wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be. The reason I've had a 10-year gap is the cost of the activity. With the exercise vouchers I get from work it was even cheaper. I should go again some day. Preferably a warmer day. The frozen anchor lift froze my arse each time I was on it.. At least each time I managed to get it behind my bum :)